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I spent the morning thinking to myself. A lot. I get this bad sense of anxiety a lot in my life, where things just feel really finite. I blame it on how I grew up, and the school life I lived. When you spend so much of your time worrying about the big test, your next report card, or a project that's due, it starts to build this sort of mindset in your head where things HAVE to be done or else it's all over. I don't even know what exactly I'm afraid of missing out on, or not getting done. I paid half of my rent (for now), I paid my Internet (for now), my other bills aren't due until after the 15th, and it's not like I have many other obligations other than commissions. Yet, despite my best efforts to reassure myself everything will be ok, I still have this pit in my stomach and this nausea I just cannot shake. It's like I'm late for class, late for a test, late for something, and if I don't start doing it now, then I'm going to get a bad grade and my dad's gonna be super pissed.

It hurts my sleep, it makes me not want to wake up, and it makes the days go by super slow. I still feel alone in the end, but that's fine, you know, I've always been a lonely body anyway. It does have me asking myself, however, what I do all of this for? What is the endgame of my life?

I don't want to be a star, I don't want to be famous, I don't even want to be rich. I accept I'll never find things like love, true comfort, spiritual connection, or that deep partnership everyone else seems to have, so without those things what's left? I guess I just want to be able to live comfortably while I create the things I'd like to see in the world. Go back to being an observer, looking at other people's more engaging and fruitful lives, and taking it in as I live vicariously through them on the sidelines. I feel like I'm just not suited to ever take center stage, I hate myself and who I am far too much, haha.

That's what I'm content with, but is it what I will get? I don't think it's a lot to ask, but from what I've learned, even asking for a penny is asking for a pound. I find myself unable to truly understand what it is I should be doing next.

Music is fun, but I'd never make it my main thing. I'll admit, my drive to make music comes from a passion that is very situational. I went hard into the music because of my heartbreak, but honestly, I've kinda said and done all I can do about that at this point. It hurts, sure, but not nearly as much as it did on the 25th of April when it all began. I know I love wallowing in my misery, which prevents me from truly saying "I'm over it", but no, I am basically over it at this point. I accept my life for what it is, I just don't know where to go from here.

I guess in this situation you take it one day at a time, but with the growing anxiety in my stomach, and the fear I feel every minute, it's hard. I don't have anyone I can talk to this about, since I just don't think anyone would truly get it, and plus I've used up a lot of my venting points with people due to my prior escapades, lol. And so I ask myself

What do I want out of this life?

And I don't have an answer. Usually, I do. Usually, I'd say "I want to be a game developer" or "I want to make art and music" or "I want so and so to love me" but right now I want none of those things, haha. I'm sick of all of it, but I'm sick of not doing anything, too. Maybe I just need a new hobby, or maybe I just need a spa day for once. I can't afford any of that though, haha, so it's just wishful thinking.

Anyways, it's 3:15am in my little hole in Ohio. I drank some tea, brushed my teeth, oiled my hair and brushed it up a bit, wrapped it up, and laid back in bed. As I lay in bed now, I look up at the ceiling and think about how close it really feels.